Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Back to School Blues....

I know it's been a while.  But I have to's amazing what one can get done when not spending 75% of the day - butt glued to couch, eyes glued to monitor.  But I do miss everyone.

Tonight I'm feeling sort of emotional.  Not sure why, really.  Perhaps it's because a week from today my 3 oldest will return to school - each a year older, starting a new chapter at this school we have poured so much of ourselves into.  I'm sitting here in the dark, while the rest of my family sleeps, and I feel so blessed for the family I have, and at the same time so inadequate to be in charge of them - not sure I am doing my best to help them become all they are meant to be.  My heart is full as I think of each of my children sleeping in their rooms, and as often happens while they are sleeping, all the things that seemed to get under my skin throughout the day, or during the week, seem so inconsequential.  And then comes the guilt for not being more patient, for letting the things I needed to get done rob us of an opportunity to just "hang out", or chat, or have a tickle fight.  I think back through the day, reflect on the week, and wonder if I have shown and told them enough how much I love them.  Have I built them up?  Have I helped them know that they are valued beyond measure in my life?  At night time I worry.  Worry that I am not the mother they deserve.

I haven't blogged in such a long time.  Not only because I have really been trying to get things done around here that need doing, but also because I haven't felt that I had something entertaining, or witty, or funny enough to share.  But the thing is, there has been much about my family to record.  I just always fear becoming one of those bloggers who people get bored with because they are sick of all their family stories.  But I'm getting over that, and blogging about my family this week, because they are truly what my life is about.

Tonight Bookworm is on my mind in particular.  I can't believe how quickly my firstborn has grown into a young man.  It's a little hard for me to deal with, I'm not going to lie.  I am constantly faced with tougher and tougher decisions.  He is at that in-between age where it's really hard to decide if a certain activity/show/topic is something he is still "too young" for.  It's such a fine line at 13 years of age.  But I am often struck by what a fine young man he is growing into.

He recently returned from Scout Camp, where sadly he grew up just a little bit more than a mother would hope for her young son.  Tragedy struck at the Bear Lake Aquatics camp where my son's troop was participating.  The neighboring troop lost one of their scouts to an accidental drowning.  Our troop helped them break camp early so they could start their somber trip back to Las Vegas.  My husband was chaperoning and made sure to let me know as soon as something had happened, that it wasn't one of our boys.  It didn't make me hurt any less for those poor parents whose boy wouldn't be returning home from camp this year.  I'll be honest - I get a knot in the pit of my stomach every time my son leaves for Scout Camp, and it doesn't leave until the moment he walks back through the front door.  My heart still aches when I think about those parents.

Our troop was in charge of the "cheer" for flag ceremony the morning the Las Vegas troop returned home.  Instead of a cheer they decided to sing "God Be With You 'Til We Meet Again."  They then led the rest of the troops in singing it - over 300 scouts singing in tribute to this young man.  My husband said there were many wet eyes in that group of boys and men, including his own.

My son returned home to me, safe and sound, and perhaps just a little bit more understanding, and patient with his mom regarding her irrational fears and worry whenever he leaves for camp.  Hopefully.

Bookworm is entering the 8th grade this year and it's about to put me over the edge!  I really don't feel old enough to have a son in 8th grade.  But I guess no matter how I complain, time isn't going to quit moving forward, just to please me.  So I guess it's my wake-up call to stop spending so much time on the urgent "stuff", and start making time for the important things.

The sunrise brings a new day - a new chance to try harder, to love better, and to live more.  I can't wait to wake my kids up, and tell them how very much I love them.


Paula@SweetPea said...

A post from the heart really appeals to this reader. My heart goes out to the family of the boy scout who drowned. That is so incredibly sad. Hope your children have a wonderful school year and I'm lad to see you back to blogging!

Rachelle said...

Wow, that brought tears even to my eyes just reading about the scouts.

Just last night I was in bed, not sleeping, but thinking along the same lines as you. Wondering about my kids, how to be a better mother... stuff like that. Everyone else was asleep. For some reason, night time is when my mind starts to wonder about life.

Have fun with your kids!

Boulter trouble said...

You are a stellar mother Xazmin. And a fantastic person. I loved reading your post.


Tanielle said...

I love ya! You are a great mom! Thanks for the post, it was what I think all the time as well. love ya my dear!

Valerie said...

I think "Back-to-School" is always a time of reflection and introspection.
We are moving in a few days~ so my kiddos will be starting out in new schools. I think they'll do fine~ but still a little nervous and worried for them.
So sad about the Scout. Such a hard thing for those boys and for that family. My heart goes out to them. There was another Boy Scout that was lost last weekend...thankfully he was found!

Macey said...

Man, this is a spectacular post, friend.
Makes me cry because I feel the same exact way about my kids going to school...and Kolton will be in KG. SHOOT ME NOW.

Joy For Your Journey said...

I always get depressed when school starts and it takes me about 3 weeks to get over it. I am sorry to tell you though that time will start to really fly by soon. I think the day my kids started 9th grade and the day they graduated were only about 4 days apart. So cherish this year. :-)

And how sad about the scout dying. That is always my fear as well when I hear about scouting activities or pioneer treks. Usually everyone is safe but occasionally they are not. What a sad event for the family.

Koko said...

Oh that is so sad about the Scout who drowned. What a wonderful idea your husband and the other scouters had...that song is so touching and emotional! This really is a melancholy and exciting time of year. You are a wonderful mother and doing the best you can with God's guidance. Enjoy this time...take it from an goes by quickly. And I know you're involved in the school and in their lives. This will help you later to feel good that you did what you could, with love.

shortmama said...

Oh the blogging know I am right there with you.

How heartbreaking to hear about that boy..his family is in my prayers, what a tragedy.

Sweet Bella Roos said...

I can't tell you how many nights I lay awake thinking the same thing. I've been known on occasion to go in and sneak a kiss while my little one is sleeping just to tell her 'Mommy loves you' one more time that day. The fact that you are thinking about all this stuff means you are a great mom. Hope your kiddos have a great back to school!