Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Back to School Blues....

I know it's been a while.  But I have to say...it's amazing what one can get done when not spending 75% of the day - butt glued to couch, eyes glued to monitor.  But I do miss everyone.

Tonight I'm feeling sort of emotional.  Not sure why, really.  Perhaps it's because a week from today my 3 oldest will return to school - each a year older, starting a new chapter at this school we have poured so much of ourselves into.  I'm sitting here in the dark, while the rest of my family sleeps, and I feel so blessed for the family I have, and at the same time so inadequate to be in charge of them - not sure I am doing my best to help them become all they are meant to be.  My heart is full as I think of each of my children sleeping in their rooms, and as often happens while they are sleeping, all the things that seemed to get under my skin throughout the day, or during the week, seem so inconsequential.  And then comes the guilt for not being more patient, for letting the things I needed to get done rob us of an opportunity to just "hang out", or chat, or have a tickle fight.  I think back through the day, reflect on the week, and wonder if I have shown and told them enough how much I love them.  Have I built them up?  Have I helped them know that they are valued beyond measure in my life?  At night time I worry.  Worry that I am not the mother they deserve.

I haven't blogged in such a long time.  Not only because I have really been trying to get things done around here that need doing, but also because I haven't felt that I had something entertaining, or witty, or funny enough to share.  But the thing is, there has been much about my family to record.  I just always fear becoming one of those bloggers who people get bored with because they are sick of all their family stories.  But I'm getting over that, and blogging about my family this week, because they are truly what my life is about.

Tonight Bookworm is on my mind in particular.  I can't believe how quickly my firstborn has grown into a young man.  It's a little hard for me to deal with, I'm not going to lie.  I am constantly faced with tougher and tougher decisions.  He is at that in-between age where it's really hard to decide if a certain activity/show/topic is something he is still "too young" for.  It's such a fine line at 13 years of age.  But I am often struck by what a fine young man he is growing into.

He recently returned from Scout Camp, where sadly he grew up just a little bit more than a mother would hope for her young son.  Tragedy struck at the Bear Lake Aquatics camp where my son's troop was participating.  The neighboring troop lost one of their scouts to an accidental drowning.  Our troop helped them break camp early so they could start their somber trip back to Las Vegas.  My husband was chaperoning and made sure to let me know as soon as something had happened, that it wasn't one of our boys.  It didn't make me hurt any less for those poor parents whose boy wouldn't be returning home from camp this year.  I'll be honest - I get a knot in the pit of my stomach every time my son leaves for Scout Camp, and it doesn't leave until the moment he walks back through the front door.  My heart still aches when I think about those parents.

Our troop was in charge of the "cheer" for flag ceremony the morning the Las Vegas troop returned home.  Instead of a cheer they decided to sing "God Be With You 'Til We Meet Again."  They then led the rest of the troops in singing it - over 300 scouts singing in tribute to this young man.  My husband said there were many wet eyes in that group of boys and men, including his own.

My son returned home to me, safe and sound, and perhaps just a little bit more understanding, and patient with his mom regarding her irrational fears and worry whenever he leaves for camp.  Hopefully.

Bookworm is entering the 8th grade this year and it's about to put me over the edge!  I really don't feel old enough to have a son in 8th grade.  But I guess no matter how I complain, time isn't going to quit moving forward, just to please me.  So I guess it's my wake-up call to stop spending so much time on the urgent "stuff", and start making time for the important things.

The sunrise brings a new day - a new chance to try harder, to love better, and to live more.  I can't wait to wake my kids up, and tell them how very much I love them.